Urgo (episode)/Transcript

Episode Guide

 * 3.16 "Urgo" Episode Guide

Transcript
TEASER

FADE IN

INT&mdash;CONTROL ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 and General Hammond are watching a monitor, showing a tropical world.]

CARTER The probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. Temperature 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Barometric pressure is normal.

DANIEL No obvious signs of civilisation.

CARTER P4X 884 looks like an untouched paradise, sir.

TEAL'C Appearances may be deceiving.

O'NEILL One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

DANIEL A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.

O'NEILL Never run with&hellip;scissors?

HAMMOND Were you trying to make a point, Major?

CARTER Yes, sir. We should perform a standard recon mission. Mineral and biological surveys to determine if 884 is a viable site for a research colony.

HAMMOND Very well. You have a go.

O'NEILL Mmmm, mineral survey. My favourite.

HAMMOND Colonel.

O'NEILL I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

INT&mdash;GATE ROOM, SGC

[The Stargate dials up and the wormhole opens. SG-1 enters the Gate room while Hammond watches from the Control Room.]

O'NEILL (to Hammond) Au revoir mon General.

TEAL'C I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.

[They head up the ramp.]

O'NEILL Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao&hellip;means adios, auf weidersehen, sayonara, which all loosely translated means&hellip;

[They step through the Stargate.]

VFX&mdash;SHOOTING THROUGH THE WORMHOLE

INT&mdash;GATE ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 steps out of the Stargate back into the Gate room. Hammond and a group of armed soldiers are waiting at the bottom of the ramp, along with two MALPs.]

O'NEILL (cont'd) Goodbye?

HAMMOND (to soldiers) Stand down. (to SG-1) What happened?

O'NEILL (confused) What happened?

HAMMOND That's what I just asked you. Will someone please explain?

CARTER General, we just left. We went through the Gate and we came back&hellip;here.

HAMMOND Major, you've been gone over fifteen hours.

[Carter looks shocked.]

END OF TEASER

INT&mdash;INFIRMARY, SGC

[Dr Fraiser checks SG-1's medical results on a monitor.]

FRASIER Blood work is normal. So far you check out fine.

DANIEL What about the lost time?

CARTER Could we have been drugged with something that leaves no trace?

FRASIER Externally, there's no new marks or bruises on your skin to indicate injections or any kind of struggle. What's the last thing you remember?

CARTER We were walking up the ramp.

TEAL'C O'Neill was explaining the meaning of ciao.

O'NEILL We stepped through, we stepped back through. That's what happened as far as we're concerned.

HAMMOND When you didn't come back on schedule, we sent a second MALP. But all it showed was the same image of the alien planet we saw before. There was no sign of you and no response to our radio call.

CARTER That's why there were two MALPs in the Gate room when we came back.

HAMMOND Both came back just before you arrived. We assumed you sent them.

CARTER It wasn't us, sir.

INT&mdash;DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

[Carter is sitting before a television. She switches a video recording on.]

CARTER This is the mark two MALP's transmission.

[The scene shows the tropical planet the first MALP showed.]

HAMMOND That's what we saw, Major.

CARTER Yes, sir. Same as the first. Except where is it? If this is the second MALP's transmission, we should be able to see the first MALP somewhere here, near the Stargate.

O'NEILL Isn't that thing supposed to&hellip;probe a little?

[He takes a mug and the coffee pot over to the table and pours a cup for Daniel.]

CARTER Well then there'd be tracks, sir. And there are none, at least nowhere in this image. Watch what happens when you run the play back frame by frame.

[The monitor is very blurred, but shows a room instead of the tropical image.]

CARTER There.

DANIEL Hello.

HAMMOND What is it?

CARTER I'm not sure. Their technology appears to be advanced beyond ours.

HAMMOND Then that previous image was fake.

CARTER There's no other explanation, sir. The initial images portraying this planet as a paradise seemed to have been manufactured and then broadcast back to us through the MALP.

[O'Neill and Daniel are drinking the coffee and apparently enjoying it.]

HAMMOND Why?

CARTER Possibly with the intended purpose of luring us into this room.

O'NEILL See. I knew it was too good to be true.

DANIEL Wow, this coffee's great.

CARTER (mug in hand) I was just thinking that.

O'NEILL Yeah, is that cinnamon?

DANIEL It's chicory.

[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents.]

CARTER (concerned) Teal'c?

O'NEILL Isn't that hot?

TEAL'C Extremely.

[The others all looked shocked.]

HAMMOND Just&hellip;stay on the base. We're going to need to keep an eye on you for the time being.

DANIEL I feel fine.

TEAL'C As do I, Daniel Jackson.

HAMMOND For someone who just drank half a gallon of steaming hot coffee?

O'NEILL Right.

INT&mdash;COMMISSARY, SGC

[O'Neill is sitting at a table, leafing through a report. He starts eating a slice of pie with a fork and enjoys it so much he puts the papers down and picks up the pie.]

INT&mdash;MALP ROOM, SGC

[Carter is working on a MALP. She suddenly gets up and heads out of the room, the airman assigned to her following close behind.]

INT&mdash;Daniel's OFFICE, SGC

[Daniel is working at his desk. He looks up, then leaves the room.]

INT&mdash;COMMISSARY, SGC

[Daniel, Carter and Teal'c enter the commissary, followed by the three Airmen assigned to them. O'Neill is sitting at a table surrounded by desserts.]

DANIEL Hungry.

CARTER Yeah.

[They sit down with O'Neill and start eating.]

O'NEILL Try the pie.

CARTER (to O'Neill) Sir, I'm running a full diagnostic on the&hellip;

[She eats a piece of blue jelly and pauses.]

CARTER (cont'd) &hellip;wow.

O'NEILL Oh yeah.

DANIEL (with his mouth full) This is the best pie I've ever had.

CARTER What's so different about it?

O'NEILL Same old pie.

TEAL'C It is most satisfying.

CARTER Why does it taste so good?

O'NEILL I dunno. All I do know is&hellip;I don't even like yoghurt.

VOICE (over intercom) SG-1, report to Medlab 3.

[SG-1 reluctantly put their desserts down and head out of the commissary, followed by the airmen. O'Neill stops at the doors.]

O'NEILL Wait. Sorry, sorry.

[He goes back to grab another slice of pie to take with him.]

INT&mdash;INFIRMARY, SGC

[Dr Fraiser is showing SG-1 their brain scans on a monitor.]

FRASIER These scans have a certain percentage of error. Basically, it looks like an errant pixel.

CARTER But it's in the exact same place on each of the scans.

[A technician hands Fraiser a folder containing more X-rays.]

FRASIER (to the tech) Yeah, thank you. (to SG-1) So I had to run a comparative analysis on the computer to be sure. It's in the exact same spot in each of your brains but&hellip;we are talking about something smaller than the head of a pin.

[She enlarges one of the scans.]

CARTER Barely large enough to show up on an X-ray.

FRASIER. Right. Which is why I also needed to run an electron resonance scan&hellip;

[She pauses as she takes out the new X-rays.]

FRASIER (shocked) This is, uh, magnified several thousand times. Sir.

[She places the X-rays against the light on the wall. They show a strange piece of technology wired into SG-1's brains.]

DANIEL That thing is in all of us?

FRASIER I'm afraid so.

INT&mdash;INFIRMARY, SGC

[Hammond is now in the infirmary as Fraiser shows him the X-rays.]

HAMMOND Can these devices be removed?

FRASIER Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.

O'NEILL What's the down side?

FRASIER How they were implanted without any external marks or injury to the cortex is beyond me.

HAMMOND Can we determine what threat they pose?

O'NEILL Apparently, all desserts on Base are in grave danger.

FRASIER We've determined that there's a barely measurable electromagnetic field being emitted by the devices. But I'm not sure what that means.

CARTER Well, so far all we've noticed are some cravings and a certain increased acuity in our senses.

DANIEL Especially taste and smell.

HAMMOND (to SG-1) Until we find out the true purpose of these objects, I am quarantining you in the level 22 isolation quarters with a 24-hour guard.

EXT&mdash;CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, (NIGHT)

[A guard is patrolling outside the complex.]

INT&mdash;QUARANTINE, SGC

[An airman stands guard outside SG-1's room. Inside, O'Neill is playing on a hand-held game, Carter is working on a computer, while Teal'c and Daniel play chess.]

VOICE Boring!

O'NEILL Who said that?

DANIEL Wasn't me.

VOICE What do you say we all go do something?

O'NEILL Teal'c, did you hear that?

TEAL'C I did.

O'NEILL Who's there?

VOICE Ok. I'll make it so you can all see me, but only because you asked.

[A man appears before them in a flash of light.]

MAN You all can see me, right?

DANIEL (alarmed) Apparently.

MAN Oh good, I'm so glad. Hello, hello, hello. Ha ha ha. Now you all say it.

SG-1 (in unison) Hello Urgo.

URGO Ha. Do you know that you're all much better looking on the outside than you are on the inside? On the inside, it's so complicated. Oh please.

[O'Neill hesitantly walks around Urgo.]

O'NEILL (to the guard) Airman? Could you come here?

[The airman enters the room and stands before O'Neill.]

O'NEILL (cont'd) Do you see an intruder in this room? Anywhere?

[The airman glances around, sees SG-1, but doesn't see Urgo.]

AIRMAN No, sir.

[Urgo smiles from behind the airman.]

O'NEILL Right. Dismissed.

[The airman leaves and Urgo chuckles.]

O'NEILL Alright, what are you?

URGO Urgo.

DANIEL Which might explain why we all just said 'Hello Urgo'.

URGO No. You are not dreaming.

DANIEL (in dismay) You read our thoughts?

URGO Don't panic. Just the thoughts you're having at the moment.

CARTER Of course. You're actually in our heads, aren't you?

URGO You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.

O'NEILL Carter?

CARTER The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some sort of visual communication interface. A controlled hallucination.

O'NEILL So&hellip;I&hellip;what?

URGO He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?

CARTER This is incredible. The devices must be linked somehow. Dr Fraiser said they're emitting a small EM field, like&hellip;radio frequencies.

DANIEL Are you saying the devices in our brains are some sort of wireless computer network?

CARTER Yeah, an incredibly sophisticated one, obviously able to work over significant distances. I mean, that's why we were all drawn to the commissary when Colonel O'Neill was eating dessert.

O'NEILL He can make us do stuff?

URGO No never. In spite of what you're thinking, never.

CARTER (to Urgo) But you can make suggestions, can't you? And enhance our sensory perception of experiences.

DANIEL Like making things taste better.

URGO Well, didn't it?

CARTER Well, why not? He's tapped into our brains, he's making us all&hellip;see and hear him.

URGO Boring. By the way, who decorated this room? It is so plain. Please don't tell me that your whole planet is like this. Not the whole planet. Hey, couldn't we go someplace else that's not here&hellip;someplace, you know&hellip;that's not here? Uh, kree. Anywhere. (whispering) Boring.

INT&mdash;INFIRMARY, SGC

[SG-1 are sitting before Dr Fraiser.]

FRASIER Ok, so what does he look like?

[Urgo stands next to her and strikes a pose.]

O'NEILL A famous tenor.

[Urgo points to a piece of equipment.]

URGO What's this?

FRASIER And you're seeing the exact same thing at the exact same time?

CARTER Yep.

URGO What is this?

CARTER (to Urgo) It's a defibrillator.

URGO Ah, interesting. Thank you. Is it defibrillating now?

CARTER (to a confused Frasier) He, uh&hellip;it seems to crave new experiences. (to Urgo) You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to people whose hearts are beating irregularly.

URGO Ah, and then they feel better? Does it feel good? Does it hurt? It hurts!

DANIEL I would think so.

URGO Let's try it.

DANIEL No, I don't think so.

URGO Why not? It's not going to kill you, is it? Or is it?

FRASIER It talks to you?

CARTER I think it experiences things through us, using our sensors to collect information.

URGO (intently, to Teal'c) Try the paddles.

[Teal'c gets up and walks over to the equipment.]

FRASIER So, do you experience any&hellip;physical sensations&hellip;?

[She trails off as Teal'c switches the defibrillator on.]

FRASIER Hey!

[She turns it off again.]

O'NEILL Teal'c!

URGO Will you loosen up?

O'NEILL Hey, I'm loose.

CARTER He doesn't have total control over us, just the power of suggestion.

DANIEL He also seems to be able to enhance our enjoyment of certain experiences in order to motivate us.

FRASIER Really.

TEAL'C He appears unresponsive to direct questioning.

URGO No, no that's not true. Oh, I'm picking your brains, you can pick my brains. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Ask me, ask me anything, what, what.

TEAL'C Tell us how to remove you from our brains.

URGO Oh, except that, ha ha. Duh.

O'NEILL You said anything.

URGO Wait a minute, why do you want to remove me from your brains? Don't you understand, I'm in your brains, I know you like me, what are you trying to prove, you can't fool me.

O'NEILL No Urgo. We don't like you.

URGO Admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?

O'NEILL No smidgen.

URGO I wouldn't blame you, I have a lot of endearing qualities.

TEAL'C He will not cooperate O'Neill.

URGO Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're going to say 'How did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion?' Woof.

O'NEILL Years from now?

DANIEL Woof?

URGO There is no way to remove me from your brains. Forget about it.

O'NEILL What are you doing in our brains in the first place?

URGO Well, ha ha ha, she got it. (he points to Carter) You got it. I'm here to learn. I'm here to experience your world.

DANIEL So we've been tagged, like we do with animals in the wild when we want to study them.

TEAL'C We are not wild animals.

URGO Speak for yourself, big fella.

CARTER Hang on a second. The race who created you, and put these things in our brains, they're going to want the information you're collecting at some point.

URGO I suppose.

CARTER So how do they get it?

URGO You don't want to know.

CARTER Let's say I do.

URGO Don't worry, you will never have to find out.

CARTER Aren't you programmed? I mean, how can you defy your creators?

URGO Because they're evil, they're really scary evil and we don't want anything to do with them.

[He gives her a meaningful look.]

DANIEL So maybe if we contact whoever created the technology.

URGO That would be bad, very bad.

O'NEILL Why should we listen to you?

URGO Ok, I know that you only like me a little bit, but I like you a lot. And I do not want you to die.

O'NEILL Die?

URGO Yes, as in dead. They're going to kill you. They'll open your brains with a big, giant can opener and then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. That's how it works. It's death or me. Me or death. You've got to decide. Me or death.

[No one answers.]

URGO Well?

O'NEILL We're thinking.

INT&mdash;DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 are sitting at the table, with Hammond and Fraiser at one end and Urgo at the other. An airman stands guard behind him.]

URGO (singing) Me, me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me me me. Me, me, me, me me me, me me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me&hellip; (Trails off, then picks up again) Me, me, me, me, me me me&hellip;

O'NEILL (annoyed) Will you stop it?!

[Urgo shuts up. The Airman thinks O'Neill is talking to him, while Hammond and Fraiser look on in shock.]

O'NEILL Please.

HAMMOND So this technology is living vicariously through you?

O'NEILL I say we risk it all and go back to the planet.

CARTER Well what if he's telling the truth about his creators?

O'NEILL There's no way to get him out of us here, right?

URGO No, no way.

FRASIER No.

URGO See, she knows.

CARTER Maybe there's another way. I haven't had much time to study the technology, but I could at least try to figure out a way to turn him off.

URGO Turn me off?

O'NEILL (to Carter) Please.

URGO You're wasting your time, it's impossible. Hey, I got an idea, why don't we play hide and seek? You hide, and I'll&hellip;you know&hellip;I'm not going to cheat, you know, 'cause I have&hellip; (He covers his eyes) One, two, three, four&hellip;

HAMMOND (to Carter) Whatever you need, Major. Dismissed.

URGO Five, six&hellip;

CARTER Thank you.

[They all leave the room.]

URGO Seven, eight, nine, ten&hellip;ha, ha.

[Urgo uncovers his eyes and looks around for SG-1.]

INT&mdash;CORRIDOR, SGC

[Carter is walking down the corridor, followed by her guard, talking to empty space.]

CARTER (irritated) I don't have time to play, Urgo. I don't care if I'm 'it'. Because I have work to do. No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill. I am very busy right now.

[She meets Hammond and Fraiser in the corridor.]

HAMMOND Major?

CARTER I was just talking to Urgo, sir.

HAMMOND I see.

CARTER Oh, I wish you did.

FRASIER (to empty space) Alright, look Urgo. Major Carter would like to&hellip;

CARTER Uh, Janet. He's&hellip;right here.

[She points to a different spot.]

FRASIER Well then, Urgo, Major Carter would very much like to be left alone.

CARTER Janet, uh, as much as I appreciate it, please&hellip; (She looks shocked) Urgo, that is rude!

FRASIER (annoyed) What did he say?

CARTER Uh, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

[She gestures for Urgo to go, then follows, still conversing with him.]

HAMMOND (to Frasier) Doctor, are we entirely sure the members of SG-1 are&hellip;what's the word?

FRASIER Sane?

HAMMOND That's the one.

FRASIER Yes, sir. Remember, every thing we see or hear is processed in the brain. Urgo is creating an image of himself that they're responding to just like they would you or me.

HAMMOND If you say so.

[They carry on down the corridor.]

INT&mdash;Carter's LAB, SGC

[Carter is drinking coffee while she works on a way to turn Urgo off.]

URGO Way off. Not even close. Not a chance. Forget about it.

[Carter smiles.]

[O'Neill, Teal'c and Daniel enter the laboratory.]

O'NEILL Carter.

CARTER I believe I have a solution, sir.

O'NEILL Please.

CARTER The electromagnetic field these devices generate indicate they're still based on electronic principles.

URGO So smart and yet&hellip;so wrong.

CARTER (smiling) I don't think so. An EM pulse should do it.

[She goes to take a sip of her drink.]

URGO Ahhh!

[Carter spills her hot coffee on her arm.]

CARTER Ah!

URGO Oh.

CARTER Urgo, that's hot!

URGO (contritely) I didn't mean to.

CARTER Yes, you did. Now stop it. (to O'Neill) Fact is, sir, Urgo's been trying to distract me like this since I first started thinking about it, so I'm probably on the right track.

URGO I hope I didn't hurt you, I'm really sorry.

CARTER I'll live.

URGO (to O'Neill) She forgives me.

CARTER A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic-based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but it should render Urgo impotent.

URGO Could you, ah, rephrase that?

O'NEILL (to Carter) Do it.

URGO Oh, please. Oh, please don't do this. Hey, listen, I didn't mean to scald you. I like you, I really, really do. Please, it was an accident.

[Carter moves around, switching on equipment.]

CARTER This room is shielded so it won't affect any of the Base's technology.

URGO Don't do this please. What can I do to make you like me?

O'NEILL (to Carter) You sure this won't hurt us?

URGO No, it's going to hurt me.

CARTER We won't even feel it.

URGO But I will. I throw myself at your mercy. Please, have mercy. Ooh, I know, I can be smaller&hellip;

[He disappears in a flash of light and reappears as a tiny figure on the table.]

URGO How's this?

CARTER (to the others) Ready?

URGO I'm here, look how teeny-weeny I am. How can anything this teeny-weeny hurt anybody?

[He suddenly reappears, full-sized, behind O'Neill.]

URGO Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? (In a toneless voice) What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television?

O'NEILL (to Carter) Will you flip that switch?

URGO No. Oh, how about this?

[He then reappears smartly dressed as an Airman.]

URGO Can you resist this?

[SG-1 are unimpressed. Urgo changes back.]

URGO Don't do that, oh sacre bleu. (He starts to fade) I'm melting, I'm melting. What a world, what a world&hellip;

CARTER The pulse hasn't gone off yet Urgo. It's on a timer.

URGO Oh. How much time do I&hellip;?

[There is an electrical surge and Urgo disappears. Carter checks her equipment while O'Neill waves his hand through the air where Urgo was standing.]

DANIEL That's it?

CARTER Yep.

TEAL'C I feel no differently.

O'NEILL (quietly) Listen.

[There's no sound.]

CARTER What?

O'NEILL Exactly.

DANIEL Way to go, Sam.

CARTER We'll see.

INT&mdash;INFIRMARY, SGC

[Fraiser is checking SG-1's results once more.]

FRASIER (to Hammond) The devices are still present, but the EM field that was being emitted by them is gone. Everything else checks out to me.

O'NEILL Request permission for SG-1 to go back to work, sir.

[Fraiser looks doubtful.]

HAMMOND Give it a week.

O'NEILL A week?

[SG-1 all appear disappointed.]

INT&mdash;Fraiser's OFFICE, SGC

[Fraiser is at her desk, talking with Carter. The monitors on the wall show the rooms occupied by the rest of SG-1.]

FRASIER Well, everything looks normal. How are you feeling?

CARTER Great. I just want to get back to work.

FRASIER Well assuming you are clear by next weekend, Cassandra and I are going to the lake and we are going to rent a rowboat. Would you like to come along?

CARTER Yeah, I'd love to.

FRASIER Great. Can you send Daniel up next?

CARTER Yeah.

[She gets up and heads out of the office.]

CARTER (singing) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

[Fraiser looks up in surprise. On the monitors, the rest of SG-1 are also singing 'Row, row, row your boat.']

INT&mdash;DEBRIEFING ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 are sitting at the table with Hammond and Fraiser.]

O'NEILL I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to 'Row, row, row&hellip;'

[Fraiser shows him the recording she made.]

O'NEILL (on video, singing) &hellip;life is but a dream. And row, row, row your boat gently down the stream&hellip;

[She turns it off.]

O'NEILL Ok. If you call that singing.

[He closes his eyes as he realises what's going on.]

O'NEILL Urgo.

[Urgo appears opposite him in a flash of light.]

URGO (laughing) I couldn't help myself.

[O'Neill bangs his head on the table.]

CARTER I was so sure it would work.

URGO Oh, it did, don't feel bad. It did work for a while. Everything went away, it was very sad. Very, very sad, and then all of a sudden I was back in your brains where I belong.

CARTER The system must have some sort of reset. I'm sorry.

HAMMOND I'm sorry too. Because as long as that device is capable of influencing you in any way, you're relieved of active duty.

O'NEILL (face down on the table) Oh, General, is that really necessary?

HAMMOND I believe it is. Whether you admit it or not, you've been compromised. The fact is, an alien entity has control over you, however limited. We don't know what it's capable of.

CARTER Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.

FRASIER Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?

URGO I didn't mean to!

O'NEILL/CARTER/DANIEL (in unison) He didn't mean to.

TEAL'C It was not his intention.

[The others all look at Teal'c.]

HAMMOND I trust I have made my point.

O'NEILL Come on Urgo, be a mensch. How do we get rid of you?

URGO I have no idea. I really&hellip;I just don't know.

CARTER He really may not know, sir.

O'NEILL How could he not know?

CARTER He's just the program.

O'NEILL Program?

CARTER I'm just saying that your software doesn't know how your computer works.

O'NEILL Hey! My software doesn't make me sing 'Row, row, row your boat.'

URGO Please. Please don't fight, I'm here, what's the difference how? Look, I'm not going to make another noise, not a peep, nothing. I'm going to be quiet like a little tiny mouse, not a peep. Watch. (laughing) I got an idea. Why don't we play a game? Some sort of a wonderful game? Uh, something with a dictionary. It's so much fun. You know, you get a word and then, ha, you write what you think the word is. Oh, it's a lot of laughs. (points to O'Neill) And educational. It's really nice. I think you'll like it.

[O'Neill puts his head back down on the table.]

INT&mdash;CONTROL ROOM, SGC

[A MALP is in the Gate room, ready to be deployed. Armed soldiers stand behind it.]

TECHNICIAN Chevron seven coded and locked.

[The Stargate opens and the MALP moves forward. Urgo points to the MALP on the screen Carter is monitoring the Gate room from.]

URGO Oh, what's that?

CARTER Actually, it's our version of you.

URGO But not as suave and sophisticated, n'est pas?

CARTER It's equipped with sensors, video camera, microphone&hellip;we use it to explore in much the same way that you do, except that&hellip;

O'NEILL (warningly) Carter.

CARTER Sir. I don't know why I was telling him that.

O'NEILL Hello.

[The screen shows the tropical planet.]

URGO Oh, how beautiful. Can we go there?

CARTER It's an illusion. Your creators do this in order to lure people into their trap.

URGO See I told you they were mean, that's mean.

TECHNICIAN The MALP is online, General.

[Hammond speaks into a microphone, his voice transmitted through the MALP on the other side of the Stargate.]

HAMMOND This is General Hammond of the planet Earth. We know the images being transmitted to us are false. We request a dialogue. Please respond.

URGO (whispering) Why is he doing that?

DANIEL We're trying to communicate with your creators.

URGO No, bad, no.

DANIEL It's our last alternative before we resort to actually going back there.

URGO (to O'Neill) You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui. With the big beaches and the little bikinis. That's where we should go 'cause it's very nice and warm there&hellip;instead of being here.

VOICE Who dares challenge Togar?

URGO (covering his face) That voice. (whispering) It's him.

HAMMOND Dr Jackson?

[Daniel goes over to the microphone.]

DANIEL This is Dr Daniel Jackson. We don't mean to challenge you. We've discovered the devices you implanted in our brains and we'd like you to remove them&hellip;him.

TOGAR Him?

DANIEL Urgo.

TOGAR How do you know this name?

[Urgo shakes his head.]

DANIEL He told us. He interacts with us.

O'NEILL (yelling into the microphone) He's driving us crazy!

TOGAR That is an error. Return the subjects. Urgo will be removed.

[The Stargate shuts down, ending the transmission.]

O'NEILL You heard the man.

CARTER Sir, we could be risking our lives.

O'NEILL Ok. Let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with&hellip;him yapping away in our heads?

URGO (whispering) Yes. Say yes.

O'NEILL Or&hellip;do we take the risk and try and find a way to get rid of him so we can get on with our lives?

URGO (whispering) No. Say no.

DANIEL Sorry, Urgo.

O'NEILL That's good enough. Teal'c?

TEAL'C If we are to remain in the service of this world&hellip;Urgo must be removed.

URGO (to Carter) Sam. Sammie. You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving. (He makes a popping noise) Remember?

CARTER (smiling) Yeah, I guess you do a little.

O'NEILL Carter?

CARTER Sorry. I guess I say we go.

HAMMOND Then it's settled.

[Urgo buries his face in his hands.]

INT&mdash;LOCKER ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 are preparing to go offworld.]

DANIEL What do you suppose Togar really meant by an 'error'?

CARTER I suppose he meant Urgo wasn't supposed to be interacting with us.

URGO Oh please, please don't go, he's going to kill you. He really will, he's nasty. It'll be a painful and awful death. Honest. Ok, ok, fine. He's going to kill me. You heard him. Oh you people, for crying out loud. Don't you have any feelings?

CARTER Do you?

O'NEILL Carter? Why do you humour him? He's obviously programmed for self-preservation.

CARTER Sir, that voice, Togar, said that this was an error. We're probably not even supposed to know he's here. (to Urgo) You aren't supposed to be interacting with us, are you?

URGO Well, um, actually when I first, er&hellip;and we got to be&hellip;Technically? No.

CARTER Can you describe how you're feeling right now?

URGO Me? Nervous, agitated&hellip;a little hungry.

DANIEL Afraid?

URGO Oh, sure, ok.

CARTER Of what?

URGO Oh, going away like last time, not experiencing, not being here with you.

CARTER Of death?

URGO Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh sure. Big time. He's going to kill me and that's why that death thing keeps popping up.

CARTER (to O'Neill) Sir.

O'NEILL Carter?

DANIEL Wait a minute JACK.

O'NEILL Daniel?

DANIEL By definition, what constitutes a sentient life form?

CARTER Self-awareness, consciousness.

URGO I'm me. No doubt about that. What else?

CARTER Uh, the ability to think independently.

URGO I'm independent. I just, you know, like company.

DANIEL Fear of death.

URGO I got that too.

O'NEILL You're not going to convince me it's alive. Look.

[He puts his arms through Urgo and waves them around.]

URGO Hey, hey hey.

O'NEILL He's not really here. He's here. (He taps his head) In our heads.

DANIEL There are plenty of life forms that require other life forms to live.

TEAL'C (to Urgo) Then you are parasite, like the Goa'uld.

URGO (mimicking TEAL'C) Parasite, like the Goa'uld.

CARTER Or, a Tok'ra. I mean, just by being parasitical by nature doesn't make you inherently bad.

O'NEILL It's a machine!

URGO That hurts.

CARTER Sir, he's artificial intelligence, but&hellip;just because someone made him doesn't mean he isn't&hellip;alive.

URGO Listen to her.

O'NEILL So what are you saying?

CARTER I'm just saying we should consider it. I mean, maybe this error wasn't really an error at all, but rather some higher technological evolution&hellip;the birth of a whole new life form.

DANIEL I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I agree with Sam.

O'NEILL What?

CARTER Well, sir, it's just&hellip;

O'NEILL No! Hammond said it, we've been compromised. Now we explain the situation to this&hellip;Toga guy, and we let him deal with Hugo once he's out of our heads.

DANIEL Urgo.

O'NEILL Urgo.

[He grabs his jacket.]

O'NEILL Let's go.

URGO Oh. I'm doomed.

VFX&mdash;SHOOTING THROUGH WORMHOLE

INT&mdash;PLANET

[SG-1 step out of the Stargate and are instantly transported to a laboratory-like room, stripped of their weapons and equipment.]

O'NEILL I hate it when that happens.

URGO Ooh, this is bad, this is very bad. Very bad.

[A door rolls open and a man stands before them.]

MAN Do not move or I will render you unconscious, if necessary.

DANIEL You're Togar?

[Togar steps into the room. He looks exactly like Urgo.]

TOGAR Yes, Togar.

URGO (whispering) As handsome as he is evil.

[Togar is carrying some type of weapon in his hand.]

TEAL'C There is no reason to fear us.

TOGAR I fear not.

[The door rolls closed behind him.]

URGO Oh, he's a madman, he's an evil, terrible madman. Run for your lives.

TOGAR (to Urgo) I hear you. Be silent!

O'NEILL Wait. You hear him?

TOGAR Yes. (He points to a glowing device on his ear) Hear and see.

DANIEL Then you should be able to see that he's afraid.

TOGAR Relocate.

[He gestures with the weapon and they stand aside.]

URGO While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like to point out that when I called you a madman, I meant it in the nicest possible way.

TOGAR Come. (He beckons) Come forward. Come forth.

[SG-1 stand before him.]

TOGAR Stay.

[He passes his hand over a clear container and a strange creature with eyestalks appears inside. A beam of blue lights hits the creature and passes into a dish.]

TOGAR Urgo&hellip;is this.

[A tiny device appears in the dish.]

TOGAR (cont'd) The specimen is unharmed. (He waves his hand and the creature disappears) As you will be.

DANIEL What about Urgo?

TOGAR It will be destroyed.

URGO See. Oh, what did I tell you? Oh please, don't let him do this to me. Teal'c, help me. Kree! Jump him, give him a double jaffa, go on.

CARTER (to Togar) The technology you invented is very advanced.

TOGAR Yes.

URGO It's because they're all too scared to go out and experience things for themselves.

TOGAR Enough!

DANIEL Look, we're very grateful that you're willing to take Urgo out of our minds.

CARTER The point is, we think Urgo may actually be alive.

TOGAR He is an error.

CARTER Maybe he is. But another word for it might be miracle.

TOGAR That is ridiculous.

CARTER Well, what you call an error has somehow resulted in life. I mean, he's self-aware, he's acting and thinking independently, he's afraid of his own death. By any definition, he's acting&hellip;alive.

O'NEILL All we're saying is that maybe there's a way of doing this without&hellip;killing him.

TOGAR There is not.

O'NEILL Ok, had to ask.

CARTER (to Togar) I don't understand. Why not?

TOGAR The unit must be in a life form. It cannot exist on its own.

CARTER Well there has to be some way, you created it.

DANIEL You'd be killing something you gave life.

URGO (to Togar) Dad.

[Urgo and Togar stare at each other.]

URGO This is a terrible idea. I'd rather die a painful and horrible death.

DANIEL It's just a thought.

URGO I want to live. I want to experience the universe and I want to eat pie.

O'NEILL Who doesn't?

TOGAR Enough babbling. Explain.

DANIEL I was just thinking that maybe you'd want to put Urgo in you.

URGO No! No, I wouldn't do that. I'd rather be in that little&hellip;with the eyes and&hellip;no!

TOGAR The purpose of the technology is to observe and explore.

CARTER But the technology is different now.

DANIEL Look, we don't know you very well, but I get the distinct feeling that Urgo is everything you're not.

URGO You can say that again.

DANIEL But I think that he's everything you wish you were. Outgoing, adventuresome&hellip;

O'NEILL Annoying.

DANIEL Look, it would be a chance to change, to maybe experience some of the things that you're afraid to do yourself.

TOGAR No, not afraid.

TEAL'C Why do you not explore worlds through the Stargate yourself?

[Togar appears to consider this.]

TOGAR (slowly) It could help me learn how the error occurred.

CARTER Then you'll do it.

TOGAR I could try.

URGO Count me out. I don't want to do it. He's mean and boring and&hellip;and&hellip;and&hellip;mean.

O'NEILL We're giving you a chance here. Him or death.

URGO No, I&hellip;

O'NEILL Death or him.

URGO Oh dear.

O'NEILL Well?

URGO I'm thinking.

[He looks at Togar while SG-1 wait.]

URGO He's so&hellip;so, um&hellip;

O'NEILL Mean?

URGO Yeah.

O'NEILL Boring? So change him.

URGO Me change him? Ha, ha ha. Ok, I'll do it.

O'NEILL (to Togar) Urgo thinks it's a great idea and I'm sure you'll enjoy his presence as much as we have.

URGO See, I knew it. I knew you liked me. Ha, I was right.

O'NEILL Maybe&hellip;a little.

URGO How about a hug?

O'NEILL Don't push it.

INT&mdash;LABORATORY, PLANET

[Togar stands under the beam of light as Urgo is transferred from SG-1. He looks up and sees Urgo waving at him.]

DANIEL Urgo?

TOGAR Urgo is here.

URGO I'm here. I'm here!

[SG-1 can no longer see or hear him.]

O'NEILL Well, Togar. Thanks for your hospitality. We appreciate it.

TOGAR I will return you to your planet now.

DANIEL Wait, Togar. How do we know that Urgo's really alive?

URGO I'm here, I'm here! Tell 'em, tell 'em!

TOGAR (annoyed) I will as soon as you are quiet!

O'NEILL AND DANIEL (in unison) He's alive.

TOGAR Urgo says goodbye and I say&hellip;thank you.

DANIEL Bye Urgo.

[Even though he can't see, Urgo waves goodbye.]

CARTER (to Togar) I was thinking now that we've got to know each other and helped each other out, maybe we could share some information about our respective&hellip;

[Togar blinks and SG-1 vanishes in a flash of light.]

URGO Oh, I'm going to miss 'em. Hey, I know why don't we&hellip;?

TOGAR No!

URGO Why not?

TOGAR No!

URGO It's really fun and exciting.

TOGAR No.

URGO Are you sure we're thinking of the same thing?

TOGAR Positive.

URGO Oh, but you don't know what you're missing.

INT&mdash;GATE ROOM, SGC

[SG-1 step out of the Gate onto the ramp, with all their weapons and equipment returned to them.]

[Hammond is waiting at the bottom of the ramp with armed soldiers and the MALP.]

HAMMOND (to soldiers) Stand down! (to SG-1) Glad you're back safe, SG-1. Was the mission successful?

O'NEILL (confused) Uh&hellip;

CARTER General, didn't we just&hellip;?

HAMMOND You've been gone over ten hours, Major.

CARTER Oh boy.

HAMMOND Report to the infirmary.

O'NEILL Yes, sir.

[SG-1 wearily make their way down the ramp.]

FADE OUT

THE END

Transcribed by Dee for Stargatefan

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--Kylie Lee 15:35, 12 Sep 2004 (PDT)