Citizen Joe/Transcript

Episode Guide

 * Citizen Joe" Episode Guide

Transcript
TEASER

INT&mdash;O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

[O'Neill enters his front door with a phone in one hand, held to his ear, and two bags of groceries in the other. He kicks the door shut and walks into the kitchen as he talks on the phone to Carter.]

CARTER (over phone) How about Monday morning?

O'NEILL No, I have a thing with someone from CIA. A Johnson someone or other. It's about that whole Kinsey thing.

CARTER So, any big plans for the weekend?

O'NEILL (putting the groceries on the counter) Oh yeah, big. Huge!

INT&mdash;SGC CORRIDOR

[Carter is speaking to O'Neill from a phone in the corridor.]

CARTER Yeah, me neither.

O'NEILL (over phone) Oh, what are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelette.

CARTER World-famous, huh? What's in it?

INT&mdash;O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

O'NEILL (removing bottles of beer from the grocery bags) Eggs.

CARTER I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.

O'NEILL Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.

INT&mdash;SGC CORRIDOR

CARTER (quite sure) It's beer, isn't it?

INT&mdash;O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

O'NEILL Carter&mdash;

[He is interrupted as a man enters the kitchen from the dining room and points a gun at him, his hand shaking.]

O'NEILL (to Carter) Let me call you back.

INT&mdash;SGC CORRIDOR

CARTER (smiling) I knew it.

[She hangs up the phone.]

INT&mdash;O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

O'NEILL (calmly) Hello.

[The man holds the gun with both hands and appears very nervous.]

JOE You're Jack O'Neill.

O'NEILL Yes. Here's a better question. Who are you?

JOE It doesn't matter. To anyone. All you need to know is, you ruined my life!

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

SEVEN YEARS AGO

EXT&mdash;A NEIGHBORHOOD STREET, DAY

[There is a garage sale taking place in the driveway of a home. People are examining various items, including Joe, the man who would later break into O'Neill's home, and his wife.]

CHARLENE We should have gotten here earlier, when the real deals were still available.

JOE Honey, it's seven a.m.!

CHARLENE (indicating the area to her right) Joe, start over there and see if you can find a lamp that would work in the TV room.

[Joe steps to the next table and picks up a violin. Charlene moves past him.]

CHARLENE Oh, my lord, look! They have those old English tea tins!

[She picks up the tins as Joe moves to the next table. He sees a small black stone with carvings on it and picks it up. He gets a strange look on his face.]

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT&mdash;SGC GATE ROOM

[The wormhole engages.]

INT&mdash;SGC CONTROL ROOM

[SG-1 is at the computers, dressed in black BDU's.]

RECORDED VOICE Security breached.

[Daniel looks up at an overhead screen.]

DANIEL They just got corridor C-9 open.

O'NEILL All right, let's go.

INT&mdash;SGC GATE ROOM

[SG-1 runs up the ramp and into the open gate, then travels through the wormhole.]

End Flashback.

EXT&mdash;A NEIGHBORHOOD STREET, DAY

[Joe looks surprised but interested.]

JOE (to man running garage sale, pointing to stone) Excuse me. How much?

EXT&mdash;STREET OUTSIDE STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, DAY

[It appears to be a traditional small town street.]

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Joe is cutting a customer's hair while telling a joke. Two young men look on. The customer's name is Fred and the two men are Joe's assistants, Bert and Gordie.]

JOE So, there's this fella who walks into a bar and he sees an ape sitting there. Sorry, no. He sees a gorilla. That's it, right. There's this gorilla sitting there, drinking a Coke. So, he says to the bartender, "Hey, what's with that gorilla drinking that drink?" Well the bartender says, "Yeah, that ape usually orders a Coke."

[The men look confused and don't laugh.]

JOE I mean, "a beer". "Usually orders a beer."

BERT Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla, 'cause they're completely different species, you know?

JOE It doesn't matter. It could be a monkey. The point is&mdash;

FRED The point is, Joe, it's a good thing you can cut hair.

[Everyone laughs.]

FRED Are we about done here?

[Joe finishes brushing the hair off of Fred's shoulders and removes the yellow smock from him.]

JOE All set!

FRED (getting up and smiling) 'Cause someone, somewhere out there, needs themselves a new car, whether they know it or not. You know what I mean? I feel the power to sell moving through me today.

[He puts some money into Joe's shirt pocket.]

FRED Boys, been a slice.

JOE Thanks, Fred.

BERT See ya, Fred.

[Fred leaves. Joe reaches into his pocket to get the money, but the stone must be there as well, and he touches it.]

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT&mdash;GATE ROOM ON KLOREL'S SHIP

[Jaffa, female acolytes and priests are gathered around a sarcophagus. Apophis speaks from elsewhere. SG-1 is in the room, in hiding. The sarcophagus opens and Klorel emerges.]

APOPHIS Bow down now. Show me your reverence for my son. The mighty warrior, Klorel!

KLOREL Kel, Apophis.

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[A bit startled, Joe looks around the barber shop to see if anyone has noticed what just happened to him; they haven't. He pulls the stone from his pocket, looks around, and puts it back.]

EXT&mdash;JOE'S HOME, NIGHT

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Joe, Charlene, and their son Andy are eating dinner.]

CHARLENE Oh, we are reading the best book in Book Club this week. It's called "The Heart of a Woman." It is such a powerful story. Oh, every time I think about it, I just&mdash;

JOE Wanna hear a story?

CHARLENE Oh sure, dear. I'm sorry. What happened to you today at the shop?

JOE No, it's not work related. I have a story.

CHARLENE What do you mean?

JOE You know, like in those books you read. Only different.

CHARLENE (slightly dubious but supportive) Okay, sure.

JOE It's about a team of adventurers known as SG-1. They travel to other planets through an alien device known as a Stargate. Their leader is the fearless Colonel Jack&mdash;

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT&mdash;PELTAC ON KLOREL'S SHIP

[SG-1 is on the Peltac with Klorel as their prisoner.]

TEAL'C O'Neill, prepare yourself for&mdash;

[O'Neill goes flying into a wall then sits up, rubbing his head.]

TEAL'C Extreme deceleration.

O'NEILL Yeah, thanks, Teal'c.

[O'Neill gets up and looks at the view screen, which shows that the ship is about to pass Saturn.]

KLOREL You will get to see your home one last time, before you, and everyone on your planet, are destroyed. And your kind will disturb the Goa'uld no more.

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM

ANDY So, who are the Goa'uld again?

JOE The bad guys.

CHARLENE And this Skaara character?

ANDY Yeah! I thought you said his name was Klorel.

JOE Uh, I know it's a little complicated. Just wait, I haven't gotten to the good part yet.

Flashback to 1.22 "Within the Serpent's Grasp"

INT&mdash;PELTAC ON KLOREL'S SHIP

[Klorel is using the hand device on Daniel.]

O'NEILL Skaara!

[O'Neill shoots Skaara/Klorel twice, and he falls. O'Neill goes to him and turns him over; he is dying.]

O'NEILL (sad) Ah, Skaara. I'm sorry.

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM

ANDY (disbelieving) That's it?

JOE I think so. For now, anyways.

ANDY What happens to Earth?

JOE I don't know. I mean, I&mdash;I haven't figured that part out yet.

ANDY Well, you gotta finish it, Dad. You can't just end a story in the middle.

JOE I tell you what. You get all your chores done, and I'll finish the story tomorrow.

ANDY Chores?! What are we, Amish?

CHARLENE Andy?!

JOE Go, go do your homework.

[Andy clears his plate and leaves the room.]

CHARLENE He's gotten so precocious.

JOE You hated it, didn't you.

CHARLENE Well, you know I'm not the biggest science fiction fan. But no, no, it was&hellip; it was just so&hellip; detailed. How did you come up with it?

JOE (chuckling) Honestly, I don't know. It just sort of popped into my head.

CHARLENE That's amazing, really.

JOE What didn't you like about it?

CHARLENE Don't get me wrong, it was exciting. It's just that personally, I like stories that are more about inter-personal relations, and a little less to do with things blowing up.

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Joe is holding a razor as he tells a story with great animation.]

JOE A giant fireball in the night sky!

[Bert and Gordie appear intrigued. Fred is reclining in a chair, his face covered with shaving cream.]

FRED You say these folks are a military unit?

JOE Yeah, they're part of the US Air Force.

FRED (incredulous) But, they travel to other planets?

JOE Through the Stargate.

GORDIE Which is a time travel machine.

JOE It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole, allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds. Time has nothing to do with it.

BERT (raising his hand) Boss, a question. Uh, these Goold&mdash;

JOE (correcting his pronunciation) Go-ah-oold.

BERT Go-ah-old.

JOE Go-ah-oold.

BERT Nevermind. The bad guys. You said they got snakes in their heads?

JOE Symbiotes, yes.

GORDIE And what about the fellows with the ones in their bellies?

JOE They're different. They're called Jaffa. They incubate the symbiotes until they're ready for implantation.

FRED Now you see, Joe, that's confusing.

BERT He's right, boss. I mean why can't there be just one kind of bad guy, you know, snake goes in the head, makes them evil, the end.

FRED Called the Snake People.

GORDIE Yeah, Snake People's good.

JOE (irritated and insistent) They're not called the Snake People. They're called the Goa'uld. And the Jaffa aren't bad guys, they're enslaved warriors who mistakingly believe that the Goa'uld are their gods. (shaking his razor over Fred's face) And it's not confusing, it's complex!

[Fred eyes the razor near his face as they all look nervous and uncomfortable at Joe's vehemence.]

FRED (smiling nervously) Uh, edge of my seat. The whole time.

[Gordie and Bert go back to their business.]

INT&mdash;JOE'S OFFICE IN REAR OF BARBER SHOP

[Joe is sitting at a desk with an open phone book, on the phone.]

AIRMAN (over phone) United States Air Force. How may I direct your call?

JOE Uh, hi. I’m trying to reach one of your officers, a Colonel Jack O’Neill, two "l's"?

AIRMAN May I have your name please, and the nature of your call?

JOE My name?

AIRMAN Yes, please.

JOE (nervous) Uh, right, right, of course. Uh, My name is Joe&hellip; Smith. Uh, listen, I realize Colonel O'Neill is probably unavailable, off on some important mission somewhere, but&hellip; I know this is an odd request, I mean, I don't know if you know Colonel O'Neill personally but, could you describe him to me, you know, height, weight, shoe size, sense of humour, that sort of thing?

AIRMAN I really can't do that, sir.

JOE Oh, of course, sure, national security. Now, am I understanding correctly that there really is a Colonel Jack O'Neill in the Air Force?

AIRMAN Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?

JOE That's fine. Thank you.

[He hangs up the phone abruptly and sits, amazed.]

INT&mdash;ANDY'S BEDROOM

[Andy's bedroom is decorated with space ship models, and is ringed with a banner of Indiana Hoosiers wallpaper. Andy is in bed and Joe is sitting beside him.]

JOE So, in the end, Rya'c was freed from Apophis' control. Teal'c, Drey'auc and Rya'c were once again a family.

ANDY But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate Command to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa.

JOE Yes, of course. He's going to take Drey'auc and Rya'c to a place where they'll be safe.

ANDY So the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in Rya'c's teeth?

JOE That's right. Now, go to sleep.

[He kisses Andy goodnight.]

JOE Cool story, Dad.

[Joe smiles and turns out the light.]

INT&mdash;JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe is watching basketball on TV as Charlene reads her book, "Heart of a Woman".]

CHARLENE (lowering her book) Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?

JOE I don't know.

CHARLENE Fully formed ideas, plots, characters, just like that? They just appear in your head?

JOE (shrugging) Basically.

[Charlene turns off the television, gets up and moves over to sit on the ottoman in front of Joe.]

JOE Why are you looking at me like that?

CHARLENE I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity. Accessed your wellspring of imagination.

JOE What?

CHARLENE I've read about this happening to other people. You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.

JOE (surprised) My inner muse?

CHARLENE (nodding) It's your mid-life crisis.

JOE It is?

CHARLENE Except, instead of chasing your youth by buying a sports car or going hang-gliding, you're seeking immortality through creativity.

JOE We can't afford a sports car.

CHARLENE Honey, it's a good thing. Especially if it means you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman.

[She turns the television back on and gets up. Joe appears concerned.]

SIX YEARS AGO

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Burt, Gordie, and Joe are there. Joe is cutting a different customer's hair.]

BERT Wait a second, wait a second. You said Teal'c put his face up to that head-grabber thing before O'Neill. Why didn't he get grabbed first?

JOE Guys, I told you. Save your questions until I finish. Now, what was left of Colonel O'Neill's mind managed to dial a gate address. One they had never dialled before.

Flashback to 2.16 "The Fifth Race"

INT&mdash;GATE ROOM ON ASGARD HOMEWORLD

[O'Neill comes flying through the gate onto the Asgard homeworld. He looks around to see two Asgard standing near him.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

BERT The Asgard? Those little grey guys, right.

GORDIE Shut up and let him finish, Bert.

Flashback to 2.16 "The Fifth Race"

INT&mdash;GATE ROOM ON ASGARD HOMEWORLD

[O'Neill kneels in front of an Asgard.]

O'NEILL And I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I really, really appreciate you getting all that stuff out of my head, but you folks should understand that we're out there, now, and we might not be ready for a lot of this stuff but we're doing the best we can.

[O'Neill and the Asgard gingerly shake hands. O'Neill stands; there are many other Asgard looking on.]

ASGARD You have already taken the first steps towards becoming the Fifth Race.

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

BERT What about the Furlings. Are we ever gonna hear about them?

JOE Oh, of course. I'm sure we'll hear lots of stories about them. (noting the other staring at him strangely) I mean, I'll make one up.

GORDIE Furlings. They sound cute, like Ewoks.

EXT&mdash;JOE'S HOUSE, DAY

[Charlene comes outside in her robe to pick up the newspaper.]

INT&mdash;JOE'S KITCHEN

[Andy is eating breakfast as Joe enters; Charlene enters.]

CHARLENE Andy, finish up, or you're going to miss your bus, sweety.

JOE Good morning.

CHARLENE (kissing him) Good morning. And I want that lawn done today, mister. It looks like a wheat field's growing in our backyard.

ANDY After school, Mom. I promise.

JOE (pouring a cup of coffee) Son, you get that lawn finished, and I'll tell you all about the Reetou.

ANDY Cool! (putting on his backpack and getting up to leave) See you, Mom! See you, Dad!

[He grabs a piece of toast and Joe pats him on the bottom as he leaves.]

CHARLENE The Reetou?

JOE Foothold situation at the SGC.

CHARLENE Joe, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you should cut back on the storytelling a bit.

JOE Why?

CHARLENE Nothing, it's just&hellip; Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.

JOE People? What people?

CHARLENE Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1 every time they come in for a haircut.

JOE They like hearing my stories.

CHARLENE Maybe they're just being polite, dear. And it's not just at the shop. Sam at the drug store said you talk his ear off every time you're there, and Marjorie at the bank, and Lennie at the gas station.

JOE Charlene, you were the one who told me to follow my muse. Now you want me to stop?

CHARLENE What if you write them down?

JOE You mean like a&hellip; writer?

CHARLENE (nodding) Put them on paper. You can have them there in the shop, like the magazines. That way, if people wanna read them, they can.

[Joe considers this as he drinks his coffee.]

INT&mdash;JOE'S BEDROOM, NIGHT

[As Charlene sleeps beside him, Joe lies on his back holding the stone, a very intense look on his face.]

Flashback to 2.21 "1969"

INT&mdash;AN ARMORY

[SG-1 has uncovered and activated the gate and are waiting to go through while under fire from the guards.]

CARTER Sir, the timing has to be exact. Just a few more seconds.

O'NEILL It's going to have to be close enough. Go!

[Under fire, the team jumps through the gate one by one, O'Neill last.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM, NIGHT

[Joe is sitting alone at the dining table, typing into a laptop computer.]

JOE Young Lt. Hammond faced a tough decision. Yet the strange force had hardly seemed like Soviet spies.

[Charlene enters and stands behind Joe.]

CHARLENE Honey, it's three in the morning. Come to bed.

JOE Just let me finish this story.

CHARLENE That's what you said last night and the night before that. You've gotta get up in four hours. How are you going to cut people's hair if you're dead on your feet all day?

[He keeps typing.]

CHARLENE Joe?

JOE In a minute.

[He keeps typing. She gives up and heads back upstairs, frustrated.]

Flashback to 3.17 "A Hundred Days"

EXT&mdash;NEAR VILLAGE ON EDORA

[O'Neill is hugging Laira before he leaves for home.]

JOE (voice over the flashback) They embraced, and he looked into her eyes one last time. He walked away with sadness in his heart, and she watched him go, wondering if she would ever see him again. The End.

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Bert is cutting the hair of his wife Cindy as Joe sits nearby, having just told them the same story.]

CINDY (crying) That poor woman. Do you think&hellip; she was with child?

[Joe holds out a box of tissues, and she takes one. Bert does too, and they both wipe their eyes.]

JOE You'll just have to wait until the sequel.

[Gordie walks by and sees that Bert has been crying over the story.]

GORDIE You've gotta be kidding me.

BERT What? I got something in my eye.

CINDY Oh, you're such a softy. See you tonight, honey.

[She kisses him on the cheek, gets up and leaves.]

JOE Bye, Cindy.

[A mailman, Calvin, enters the shop.]

CALVIN Mornin', boys.

JOE Calvin.

CALVIN Joe, looks like you got some letters from those magazines in New York.

[Joe gets up excitedly. He takes the stack of letters and gives a few each to Bert and Gordie. They all start opening them as Calvin looks on.]

JOE (reading one) Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

BERT (reading another) Thank you for your interest. Best of luck in the future.

GORDIE See, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.

BERT They rejected Hathor?! Oh, but it was gold!

[Joe looks determined.]

THREE YEARS AGO

EXT&mdash;JOE'S HOUSE, NIGHT

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Joe is typing on his laptop.]

ANDY (from another room) Dad!

JOE I'm writing.

ANDY Seriously, Dad. You gotta see this!

[Joe gets up and walks into the TV room where an older Andy sits on the couch watching TV. Joe is wearing sweats and a thin tee-shirt under his open shirt.]

JOE What?

ANDY Check it out.

[Joe sees that the television is introducing the show "Wormhole X-Treme". He is shocked and amazed. The television shows a promo for the series.]

ANDY There's no such thing as original thought anymore. We're all just regurgitating the same old ideas, over and over again. Welding them down into a giant melting pot of mediocrity.

JOE (continuing to watch the promo, accusing) They stole my idea.

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[The window of the shop is decorated with a skeleton. Joe is washing Fred's hair.]

FRED Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit you had against uh, what was that show called?

JOE Wormhole X-Treme? Nah, it was cancelled only after one episode.

GORDIE Bad ratings.

[Fred moves to sit in a chair, and Bert puts a smock on him.]

BERT I liked it. Not as much as your stories, boss.

JOE Actually, I have a new one. It just came to me last night. SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid headed toward Earth.

FRED I saw the movie. It hits Paris.

[Joe begins to work on Fred's hair.]

JOE Ah, this is different. It starts when this amateur astronomer&mdash;

FRED Actually Joe, if it's all right with you, I'm not really in the mood.

JOE Oh come on now, don't you wanna know how SG-1 stops it? Here, I'll just tell you. Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window from the cargo ship, until it surrounds&mdash;

FRED Look, no offense, but how many times can these folks save the world from Apophis. What's it up to now? Five, six times?

JOE This story's about Anubis. Apophis is dead.

FRED What's the diff, you know what I'm saying? It's getting a little repetitive. I mean, come on now. There must be other things we can talk about besides SG-1. You guys play golf?

EXT&mdash;JOE'S HOUSE, EVENING

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Joe is typing away on the laptop. He is wearing a tank-style tee-shirt. Charlene walks in from the kitchen.]

CHARLENE Joe, I need to talk to you.

JOE Just a second, honey, I'm in the zone.

CHARLENE Honey, stop typing.

JOE Writing.

CHARLENE Please.

[He stops and looks up at her.]

JOE What's up?

CHARLENE I want you to stop.

JOE I just did.

CHARLENE I mean, permanently.

JOE What?!

CHARLENE I've been going over our bills.

JOE Charlene&mdash;

CHARLENE Joe, you closed the shop early three times this week to come home and write.

JOE I closed the shop because business has been slow.

CHARLENE And you don't see the connection.

JOE Don't worry. Once I get a few stories published, land an agent, things will get better.

[She gets up and comes back with a stack of papers and envelopes.]

CHARLENE Three hundred and twenty-six. That's how many rejection letters you've received.

JOE You only need one "yes".

CHARLENE They're not reading them anymore, just sending them back unopened!

JOE Bert and Gordie like them.

CHARLENE They work for you. What else are they gonna say?

JOE You haven't even read them all.

CHARLENE I read Holiday, The Light, The Sentinel.

JOE Okay, I admit, those may have been a few small missteps, but on the whole they're getting better, aren't they?

CHARLENE I don't know.

JOE Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me. Maybe I can fix it.

CHARLENE Well, for one, it seems to me like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.

JOE You hate them all?

CHARLENE No, I don't. I hate what this is doing to you.

JOE You really want me to stop?

CHARLENE Joe, how can this really be more important than your livelihood? Than your family?

JOE Honestly Charlene, I don't think I can stop.

CHARLENE Why not?

JOE These stories, I think&hellip;

CHARLENE Think? You think what?

JOE I think they're real, Charlene. I'm not making them up. They're happening. Somewhere. I can see them, and it's because of the stone.

CHARLENE Oh, Joe.

JOE I can't explain it. Somehow, I think it allows me to see these incredible things.

CHARLENE (alarmed) That you believe are really happening.

JOE Yes! Here, try it. (looking for it among his papers) Where is it?

CHARLENE (pleading) Joe.

JOE (becoming alarmed) Did you take it? Charlene? What'd you do with it?

[She says nothing but looks uncomfortable.]

JOE (yelling) Charlene! What have you done with my stone?!

INT&mdash;JOE'S KITCHEN

[Panicked, Joe empties the kitchen trash can onto the floor, then on his hands and knees begins searching through the garbage for the stone.]

CHARLENE It was for your own good!

[Andy rushes in beside her.]

ANDY Whoa! Has he totally lost it, or what?

CHARLENE Joe, please. You need help!

JOE (stopping the garbage search and looking intently at Andy) Son, if you know where it is, just tell me. I'm not mad, I just need my stone.

ANDY Mom?

CHARLENE You leave him out of this. Joe, please! You're scaring us!

[Joe grabs a flashlight from a drawer and runs out of the house via the kitchen door. Charlene and Andy exchange concerned looks.]

EXT&mdash;JOE'S FRONT YARD, NIGHT

[Joe has overturned his garbage cans onto the driveway and sidewalk. He is frantically going through the plastic garbage bags, opening them to search for the stone. He finds it and holds it above his head.]

JOE (triumphantly) Yes!

Flashback to 5.21 "Meridian"

INT&mdash;SGC GATE ROOM

[Inside O'Neill's mind, Daniel is standing on the ramp, about to go through the Stargate and into ascension. There is a glow all around him.]

O'NEILL Where are you going?

DANIEL I don't know.

[O'Neill smiles sadly but fondly, and Daniel smiles back. Daniel walks up the ramp and into the light of the gate.]

INT&mdash;SGC INFIRMARY

[Daniel lies completely bandaged as his vital signs flatline.]

End Flashback.

EXT&mdash;JOE'S FRONT YARD, NIGHT

[Joe is kneeling in the garbage, looking upward, both hands in the air above him, one holding the stone. He is devastated by what he has just seen.]

JOE (weeping) No! He can't be gone. (standing) He's dead. Daniel's dead!

[He turns to see a neighbor taking out the trash.]

JOE (sobbing) He can't be dead.

[He heads back toward the house.]

INT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP

[Joe sits in one of the barber chairs, looking depressed and contemplative as Gordie sweeps around him and Bert combs his eyebrows using a mirror.]

BERT Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.

[Gordie sweeps even harder as the postman enters.]

BERT Calvin.

CALVIN Gentlemen. Slow day?

JOE (not looking at him) What do ya got, Calvin?

CALVIN Looks like a stack of bills and a couple more letters from those magazines.

JOE Toss 'em.

CALVIN There's uh, also another letter here from the Air Force?

JOE You read it.

[Calvin opens the envelope.]

CALVIN Dear Mr. Spencer. Regarding your request to meet with Colonel Jack O'Neill, we regret to inform you that&hellip; Hey Joe, if you're so sure that this is all real, then why don't you follow it up with more than just letters? Call them up. Tell them what you know. If it really is true&mdash;

JOE Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a hearbeat.

CALVIN You think?

JOE Believe me, if the Government didn't get me, NID is sure to. I've seen it happen. Do you remember Armin Selig? (snapping his fingers) Dead!

CALVIN (nodding nervously) Right. (uncomfortable, moving toward the door, putting on his headphones) Well, look, uh I gotta get back to my route now, uh, you guys take care.

GORDIE Thanks, Calvin.

[Calvin leaves. Joe looks depressed and lost in thought.]

EXT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, EVENING

[Joe locks up the shop for the day and begins to walk slowly down the sidewalk, a sad expression on his face. He stops suddenly and his eyes grow large.]

Flashback to 6.06 "Abyss"

INT&mdash;BA'AL'S PRISON

[O'Neill is in the gravity well prison cell, looking up toward the entrance. He turns and sees Daniel sitting there.]

DANIEL (waving) Hi Jack.

O'NEILL Daniel.

DANIEL I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.

End Flashback.

EXT&mdash;SIDEWALK NEAR STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, EVENING

[Joe becomes ecstatic, jumping up into the air then jumping against a building and a tree, clapping his hands as he runs down the sidewalk.]

JOE Yes! Yeah! Yes!

INT&mdash;JOE'S HOME

[Joe comes running in, very excited.]

JOE Charlene! You won't&mdash; Charlene? Charlene! You won't believe it! Charlene?

[He finally finds her in their bedroom. She is packing a suitcase but he doesn't notice at first.]

JOE Oh, there you are. Honey, it's incredible! Daniel's still alive. I mean, I know he ascended to a higher plane of existence, but he, he&mdash; What are you doing?

CHARLENE Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while. If you have even the slightest interest in saving our marriage, you'll see someone who can help you.

[She zips up the suitcase and picks it up, walking out of the room.]

JOE Charlene, I don't need a shrink. Charlene!

EXT&mdash;JOE'S FRONT YARD, EVENING

[Charlene is leaving with two suitcases as Joe follows.]

JOE Honey, don't do this, please! Come on! Honey, come on, we can work things out.

[Charlene puts her suitcases in the back of her station wagon and shuts the rear door. She gets into the driver's seat as Joe continues.]

JOE Charlene, our problems are small compared&mdash; We&mdash;, just, let's talk. Can we just talk this out?

[Charlene starts the car and prepares to drive away.]

CHARLENE (crying) Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later.

[She drives down the driveway.]

JOE (following her down the driveway) Charlene! Wait, Charlene!

[Joe sees his neighbor and waves, then heads back into the house.]

EXT&mdash;STYLIN' JOE'S BARBER SHOP, DAY

[The shop is open.]

INT&mdash;JOE'S OFFICE IN REAR OF BARBER SHOP

[Joe is writing at a small table. His voice is heard as he writes.]

JOE Dear Colonel O'Neill. I understand you are a very busy man, however, I must wonder if you're actually getting each and every piece of correspondence I send you. I have written you many letters and left countless messages for you with the Air Force, but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you. Because of this, I realize I have no choice but to take my life into my own hands and come clean with you. I know everything.

[Gordie enters through the curtained doorway and knocks over a lamp, startling Joe.]

JOE Geez, Gordie!

GORDIE Sorry.

JOE You scared the hell out of me!

GORDIE Sorry.

JOE It's okay, Gordie. I'm just glad it's you.

GORDIE Boss, if it's all right with you, me and Bert, we're gonna head home. It looks like nobody's coming in again today.

JOE Yeah.

GORDIE (nervously) Look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but&hellip;

JOE What is it, Gordie?

GORDIE Well, it's been really slow around here, and I kind of dropped off an application at the Piggly Wiggly.

JOE I understand. You gotta do what you gotta do.

GORDIE (relieved and smiling) Thanks, boss. Good night.

JOE Good night.

[Joe crumples up the letter he'd been writing and throws it into the trash can. Then he gets up and walks over to it, takes it out of the trash, and begins tearing it into small pieces that fall onto the floor.]

Flashback to 7.01 "Fallen"

EXT&mdash;VIS UBAN, DAY

[Daniel is lying naked on his side in a field.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S DINING ROOM

[Wearing a bathrobe, Joe is typing into a laptop as more scenes flash into his mind.]

Flashback to 7.01 "Fallen"

EXT&mdash;SPACE

[O'Neill and Carter are piloting the F-302 against Anubis' Mothership.]

CARTER Activating hyperdrive!

[Hyperdrive is activated and F-302 exits inside defenses and very close to Anubis' ship.]

O'NEILL Extending, straight up.

[The F-302 flies along the Mothership.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe is sitting on his easy chair, dressed in a dirty tank tee-shirt and boxers, a partially eaten TV dinner resting on his leg. He is nearly catatonic. The television shows nothing but static.]

Flashback to 7.04 "Orpheus"

EXT&mdash;EREBUS, DAY

O'NEILL Come on, boys! Have at 'em!

[O'Neill and the others are firing on the Jaffa guarding the prison camp as they try to run away. The ship under construction falls to the ground.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe continues to stare vacantly toward the static on the television.]

Flashback to 7.12 "Evolution Part 2"

EXT&mdash;HONDURAN JUNGLE, DAY

[O'Neill is shooting the re-animated Chalo. Burke takes Chalo out with a grenade launcher.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe continues to stare vacantly toward the static on the television. He holds the stone in his hand.]

Flashback to 7.18 "Heroes Part 2"

EXT&mdash;P3X-666, DAY

CARTER Sir!

[O'Neill falls, wounded by a staff weapon blast.]

End Flashback.

INT&mdash;JOE'S TV ROOM

[Joe continues to see the visions, holding the stone against the side of his face.]

ONE YEAR AGO

EXT&mdash;A PARK, DAY

[Joe sit on a park bench with a package of papers in his hand. Charlene approaches him.]

JOE Thanks for seeing me. You look great.

CHARLENE How are you?

JOE Oh, I'm good, good. Very good. Um, Charlene, I'm sorry about everything that's happened. I drove you and Andy away; I understand that now.

CHARLENE Joe&mdash;

JOE Just let me finish. I&mdash; I was too wrapped up in the stories to realize what was important. I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business, on providing for my family, if you'll give me another chance.

CHARLENE It was never about the money, Joe. It was your obsession with that stone.

JOE I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation. That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real.

[He shows her a picture of O'Neill and Kinsey.]

JOE This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like. Now I know what you're thinking, but I swear I saw this image in my mind long before it was in the paper.

CHARLENE (quietly) Joe.

JOE (showing her various news clippings) And here, this report about massive solar flare activity from six years ago? It coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed Apophis' fleet. And this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine? It happened the same time Anubis' ship crashed into the Pacific Ocean.

CHARLENE It just means that you're using real people and events and incorporating them in your fantasies.

JOE They're not fantasies! Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate Command!

CHARLENE There is no Stargate Command! Listen to me. I've been talking to several doctors about your symptoms, and they seem to think that you might be suffering from something called manic psychosis, combined with grandiose delusions, but with therapy and medication, you could probably live a normal life.

[Joe stops listening to her and rises to his feet, his eyes turned to the sky.]

JOE Oh my God! They're fighting in Antarctica for Earth's very survival.

Flashback to 7.22 "Lost City Part 2"

EXT&mdash;SKY ABOVE ANTARCTICA

[A fierce battle rages between Anubis' death gliders and Prometheus.]

End Flashback.

EXT&mdash;A PARK, DAY

JOE Anubis' fleet is in orbit above us right now!

CHARLENE Joe, stop it. It's not real!

JOE You don't understand! If Jack can't find a way to use the Ancients' technology in time, we're all dead.

CHARLENE Goodbye, Joe.

[She walks away.]

JOE (yelling after her) It's happening, Charlene! You'll see! It's real!

PRESENT DAY

EXT&mdash;JOE'S HOUSE, DAY

[There is a sign with a notice of a court-ordered sale. Men in blue work suits are removing furniture and boxes from the house and putting them into a moving van as Joe looks on. Joe gets into the back of a taxi and leaves.]

EXT&mdash;O'NEILL'S HOUSE, DAY

[Joe arrives in front of O'Neill's house in a sedan. He pulls a pistol out of the glove compartment.]

INT&mdash;O'NEILL'S KITCHEN, DAY

[The scene continues from the opening, with Joe holding a gun on O'Neill.]

O'NEILL Okay, look. This obviously isn't your fort&eacute;. So why don't you just put the gun down, before you get hurt.

[He starts to move toward Joe.]

JOE Don't come any closer!

O'NEILL (calmly) I know your gun isn't real. (opening a drawer) However, (pulling out a gun and pointing it at Joe) mine is.

JOE Oh, god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. It's just a toy. (dropping the gun and putting his hands up) Please don't shoot me.

O'NEILL (annoyed) I'm not gonna shoot ya.

JOE I'm sorry. I just thought it was the only way to make you listen to me.

[O'Neill puts down his gun and picks up his cell phone.]

O'NEILL Oh, where you're going, people will listen. (he begins dialing) They got nothing to do but listen to what you have to say. They got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.

JOE Please wait! You're Brigadier General Jack O'Neill. Head of Stargate Command at Cheyenne Mountain. You used to command SG-1, which is now led by Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter. You once visited a planet called Argos, and the nanites in your blood caused you to age artificially. You've had the entire repository of the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into your brain. Twice! You have a thing for The Simpsons, fishing, Mary Steenburgen, the color peridot, and you're a terrible ping pong player.

O'NEILL Have we met?

JOE My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber. It's all true, isn't it? Everything I've seen. The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the Asgards? It's all real. Tell me it's real. I need to know.

O'NEILL Well, first of all, Joe, I'm not a terrible ping pong player.

EXT&mdash;CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN COMPLEX, DAY

INT&mdash;SGC INFIRMARY

[Joe is sitting on an infirmary bed having blood drawn as O'Neill looks on.]

JOE Between you and me, I totally see the analogy. Burns as Goa'uld.

O'NEILL (gesturing with his hands) Thank you.

JOE And don't worry. I won't say a word about your feelings for&hellip;

[Joe turns to see Carter entering. O'Neill gestures for him to be quiet. Joe gets up to meet Carter.]

JOE (shaking her hand) This is such an honor. I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for our planet. There are not enough words.

CARTER (smiling falsely) It's nice to meet you, too.

[She looks to O'Neill for an explanation.]

O'NEILL Joe Spencer.

JOE I was particularly impressed with the time you blew up that sun.

CARTER Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.

JOE And as far as this whole Pete Shanahan thing goes&mdash;

[O'Neill stops him with a hand on Joe's shoulder.]

O'NEILL Joe.

[Daniel walks in.]

JOE (shaking his hand) Doctor Jackson, can I just say, thank goodness you're back. Not that Jonas was a bad guy, but after all you've been through together, you belong here with SG-1.

DANIEL Thank you. Jack?

O'NEILL He's a barber.

DANIEL Broke into your house?

O'NEILL Yeah.

DANIEL Second week in a row.

O'NEILL Mm hmm.

DANIEL Alarm.

O'NEILL I'm thinkin' dog.

JOE You could try locking your front door.

INT&mdash;SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[Carter is typing on a laptop with various data panels dedisplay as Joe sits quietly across from her. O'Neill and Teal'c enter.]

JOE (grasping Teal'c's arm across the table in a Jaffa handshake) Shel kek nem ron.

[Teal'c glances at O'Neill, bemused.]

O'NEILL Joe, the barber.

TEAL'C Please be seated.

O'NEILL What do ya got there, Carter?

CARTER Well, initial tests show that Joe possesses the same Ancient gene as you do.

JOE I just want you to know, if you ever need me to use the chair device in Antarctica in defense of the planet, I'm there.

O'NEILL (patting his arm, sincerely) Thank you.

[Teal'c smiles at Carter, who tries not to laugh.]

CARTER (spinning the laptop around to show the data) Other than that, his physiology is completely normal.

TEAL'C Do not a great many people possess this Ancient gene?

JOE Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?

O'NEILL Yes. Good question. Pray tell.

CARTER Unfortunately, our knowledge of Ancient physiology is fairly limited. The only other thing we know is that Joe has somehow managed to gain access to huge amounts of classified information, mainly in regard to SG-1. And that these visions are somehow connected to the stone he found.

O'NEILL Anything on that?

CARTER Daniel's looking into it. He did say there was something familiar about it.

TEAL'C You claim to receive these visions only within proximity of the stone. Perhaps there is a connection between the stone and your genetic predispositions.

JOE I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be more gold colored?

[Daniel rushes in, holding two stones.]

DANIEL I think I got it! It took me a while to track it down, but&hellip;

[He sets the pair of stones on the table next to Joe.]

JOE You have one too?

DANIEL I think they're a set. Jack, remember P3R-233? That planet where I&mdash;

JOE Where you found the quantum mirror that sent you to an alternate reality, where the Goa'uld invaded Earth.

[Daniel nods as O'Neill picks up one of the stones.]

NEARLY EIGHT YEARS AGO, AFTER THE MISSION TO P3R-233

INT&mdash;DANIEL'S OFFICE

[Daniel is writing on a clipboard when O'Neill enters; there are many tagged artifacts on the desk.]

O'NEILL Hey fella.

DANIEL Hi Jack.

O'NEILL This all the stuff we brought back from&hellip;

DANIEL P3R-233? Yeah. You came down to help me catalog it?

O'NEILL You bet. My favorite. But it's all gonna have to wait. Hammond called a briefing. We got some intel back indicating that Apophis might not be so dead as we thought.

[As he speaks he picks up one of the stones, removes its tag, and begins to rub it with his thumb.]

O'NEILL Something about&hellip; Chulak.

[O'Neill has a distracted look on his face.]

PRESENT DAY

INT&mdash;SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[The previous discussion is continuing.]

DANIEL I think the stones are a kind of Ancient long range communication device, allowing people to see events over great distances through some sort of psychic connection. Now Jack must have activated the link between the stones by picking up the second stone. Now after that, all that would be required is a certain proximity to the stone, for the connection to be activated. Now seeing as how the stone was being stored in the base archives&hellip;

O'NEILL But that doesn't explain how the other stone got to the&hellip; Where? Where was it?

TEAL'C A garage sale.

JOE The person who sold it to me said his grandfather found it on a dig in Egypt.

CARTER But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue. I mean, if the stone General O'Neill touched was kept here, how was Joe able to see everything that happened to the General off-world?

DANIEL I think he was getting most of it from when Jack was writing up his reports right here on the base. The stone was being stored just a few levels above.

JOE That's why the stories were so easy to write. It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.

O'NEILL And you say they all got rejected?

[Joe nods.]

CARTER Wait a second. If the stones worked the way Daniel says, shouldn't General O'Neill have been able to see elements of Joe's life, as well?

DANIEL Theoretically, yes he would.

[O'Neill and Joe exchange looks. Joe looks very curious. There is a series of quick flashbacks to Joe's life in the barber shop and an image of a bowling ball striking the pins.]

O'NEILL Bowling league, Thursday nights?

JOE (amazed) You saw that?

O'NEILL You got game, son.

DANIEL Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?

O'NEILL Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.

CARTER No, no you didn't, sir.

O'NEILL I didn't?

DANIEL You didn't find it the least bit odd?

O'NEILL Actually no. I found it quite relaxing.

[Joe smiles and shrugs, a bit proud.]

EXT&mdash;A PARK IN INDIANA, DAY

[Joe waits on the park bench where he last spoke to Charlene. He gets up as she arrives.]

JOE Charlene?

CHARLENE I only have about ten minutes, and I really need to get right back to work. Um, there's no easy way to say this. I want a divorce.

[A black SUV pulls up behind her in the parking lot and some men get out.]

JOE I know, I mean, you have every right to. But before we get to that, there's someone who'd like to meet you. Here he comes now.

[O'Neill approaches them from the SUV in his full uniform.]

JOE Charlene, meet General Jack O'Neill of the United States Air Force.

[O'Neill removes his hat and reaches out to shake her hand.]

O'NEILL It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. I think we have some things to talk about.

[They all sit together on the park bench.]

O'NEILL It's all true&hellip;

FADE OUT

END CREDITS

Related Articles

 * Previous: Full Alert" Transcript
 * Next: Reckoning, Part 1" Transcript