Rules of Engagement

"Rules of Engagement" is the ninth episode of the third season of Stargate SG-1.

Synopsis
SG-1's efforts to retrieve SG-11 thought to be MIA gets them stunned and captured. They work out that the "SG team" is actually made of slaves who work for Apophis to invade Earth. SG-1 must convince them that Apophis is dead and to stop them from carrying out their mission.

Plot
SG-1 discovers a planet where Stargate Command look-alikes are in the middle of a pitched battle. After a few minutes of confusion they discover that in reality they are a team of young boys in a boot camp, and are practicing war games. They are using replica weapons that inflict no real harm on the opponent, but instead deliver a nasty jolt. This is trouble though, because SG-1's weapons are recirculated into the fake ones. After a call to the central area, they are revealed to be soldiers of Apophis, trained to infiltrate the SGC. The search for the weapons continues, but it is too late. A soldier is accidentally seriously injured with one of the real weapons, but instead of stopping, the recruits see this as a sign to upgrade to real weaponry in their war games.

In order to prevent the boys from pointlessly slaughtering themselves, the team hatches a plot to prevent both the invasion of Earth through the SGC and to convince the boys that Apophis is a false god. A recording of Apophis's death proves his lack of godhood, and the soldiers disband and return to their planets of origin.

Notable Quotes
Hammond: Colonel, I want to debrief ASAP.

O'Neill: Yes, my lord.

Fraiser: He won't eat, he won't speak... except to call me a "shol'va".

O'Neill: Then you must be doing a good job.

O'Neill: The doctor said you haven't eaten.

Rogers: It's poison.

O'Neill: Of course it is. It's hospital food.

Rogers: Go to Sokar!

O'Neill: It's "go to hell", actually.

Rogers: My true name is Rophiapgisy, sir.

O'Neill: Your Earth name is Kyle. Can we call you Kyle?

O'Neill: You will listen to everything I tell you and you will do everything I tell you or I will shoot you myself, is that clear!

O'Neill: Get the vacuum.

Rogers: Vo'cume.

O'Neill: Whatever.

An explosion occurs nearby.

O'Neill: Rogers! What the hell was that?!

Rogers: Mortars.

O'Neill: What else is in that cave?

In other languages

 * French: Règles de Combat (Rules of Combat)
 * Italian: Regole di Combattimento (Rules of Combat)
 * Spanish: Reglas de Batalla (Rules of Combat)
 * Czech: Bitevní řád (Rules of Combat)
 * German: Regeln der Kriegsführung (Rules of Combat)
 * Hungarian: A hadviselés szabályai (Rules of Warfare)